I am a mom of 4 boys who just became an empty nester after having a child at home for the last 26 years. This is just about me and my life now without kids.
I am lucky to live in paradise. It's a place where one can dream which is what I do when I'm out on my kayak. It's my time of sole searching.
So, instead of feeling all sorry for myself, I decided it is time to do something for me. Time to move on. It's just another chapter in the past. I'm not closing the book. Just turning the page. The next page........taking care of myself. Watching out for myself. Protect myself. To start things off, I applied for a job. It is an office manager job for a small law firm. I know nothing about law, but I do know how to run an office. I've been doing that for the last 5 years. And my experience with being a referee has given me the ability to work with all sorts of personalities. I didn't hear from the one and only job I applied for. Five days went by. I figured they moved on and wouldn't take a look at me. However, on Monday, I got a phone call. The guy described the position. Mainly it's being the first face people see. It's talking to clients on the phone. It's keeping a schedule for 2 lawyers. It's filing, creating documents, basically what I do now minus the tutoring. It's his daughter's firm. He's helping her out. He asked me if I could come in for a 'group' interview on Tuesday. I said sure. Monday night, I had the strangest dreams. One being this guy who I talked to on the phone, was in on the interviewing. Part of my dream was me answering questions and he was smiling and nodding his head. In my dream, he seemed to be liking all my answers. I woke up Tuesday morning not very well rested. It's been so very long since I've had an interview. I'm the one who GIVES the interviews. I did not know what to expect. I am 52 years old and I was a bucket a nerves. I had picked out my clothes the night before. Professional look is what I went for. Black patterned dress slacks, crisp white shirt, and complimentary jewelry. I even work black pumps. (Next time, I need to wear a knee high type sock. As the day went on, shoe was rubbing my feet and it hurt.) I get to the business. Walk in and am directed to a small conference room. In there are two other people sitting at the table. I look at them and begin to wonder about them. The guy looked like a disheveled young guy. I think I had seen him get out of a car earlier which looked like it was driven by his mom. He has really thick glasses on and when I speak to him, I notice he has one crossed-eye. He also speaks weird. It's difficult to understand him. The other person was a lady who looked a lot older than me. Her blonde hair looks like it hasn't been cut in 30 years. She has absolutely no make up on. I think to myself she looks really pale. I bet if she had a great new hairstyle and a little make up, she'd be pretty. But, she looks very homely. Very frumpy. Then I think, I bet these two have worked in law offices before. We are introduced to Dani by Doug, the guy who did the phone call. Dani and Doug are going to conduct the interview, but first, Meg, the daughter who owns the firm, comes in and talks to us briefly. She leaves and the interview begins. They ask each of us the same question, taking turns on who has to start first. I soon realize that yes, these other two have TONS of experience with the law. When I think of my answer to most of the questions, I go back to what Meg said when she was talking to us. She said they were looking for someone to be the face and voice people see and hear first. To give the first impression. I know I am the type of person who always has a smile on my face. I know I have been able to reassure people when they are nervous or scared. I know how to make people feel welcomed. And, I am organized. I can multi-task. Sure, I don't know a thing about law, but I think I bring something else to the table. I bring a feeling of family. Back to my dream I had. In the actual interview, the Dani and Doug were taking notes the entire time we spoke. Dani would look at me, I noticed she was admiring my necklace. HAHA. I wanted to tell her it's from Chicos. As I spoke, I'd see Doug writing, nodding, and smiling big. I wonder if he likes me best out of the 3 of us. I am brought back down to Earth when I hear the older woman speak. She's talking about 'briefs' and throwing out all sorts of law terms that I have no idea what she's saying. Oh, I am so clueless. While this woman is speaking, on and on and on.......I think, wow, she just needs to answer the question. She's giving a speech. During this speech, she mentions how she just turned 50. WHAT?!?!?! I'm older than she is?! O.M.G. Wow, she definitely is not aging well. The guy, when he answers questions, he keeps saying the same things over and over. Sometimes he makes sense. Sometimes I wonder what planet he lives on. We are 3 completely different candidates for this position. So very different. Night and day different. We are told there are 3 others interviewing on Friday. They will go through the same process. Sometime next week, we will get a call if they want us back for a one-on-one interview. I leave not feeling really great. Those other two have so much law experience. Plus, I'm older than they are. I decide to call Dan. He is the only one that knows about this. (Earlier, I had sent him a text asking if I could use him as a personal reference.) Of course, he said absolutely. And then he followed it up with a phone call. So, I told him everything that has been going on. He said I'm doing the right thing. So, I called Dan and told him about the interview. How the guy has been working for various law firms since 2005. How the woman is actually considered a paralegal and taking law classes. How I don't think they will take a 2nd look at me as I don't know anything about law. What Dan said to me........they are not looking for someone who knows law. They are looking for a front desk person. Someone to greet people. Someone to manage their office. Dan knew what to say to make me feel better. <insert deep sigh here> I really liked the people that work at the firm. I can see myself there. I just hope they can see me there. Getting this job would be the first step in my new chapter. I can only hope. Another page I turned to begin to protect myself......I am opening a checking account in my name only. Just in case.
Been thinking things through. There has to be something left. So, as I see it, and will talk to him........ we have 2 choices. 1. Not worth trying anymore so let's just get it over with...... 2. Clean slate. The past is just scar tissue. Let's learn how to be husband and wife. I like #2. I hope he does too.
So, the saying is........... if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and whatever likes a duck......then it's a duck. I keep thinking this. He totally lied to me tonight.
So, when I KNOW he is going to help her move things......tomorrow, using our Explorer that we never use....... and he tells me.......I'm using it tomorrow to move some things from work to be shipped............ WTF am I supposed to say? Yes, I should have called him on it. I will. I have no balls. I finally gave a hint to someone about what is going on. He's a friend to both of us. He likes both of us. I told him I don't want to put him in the middle, but he sent me a text just at the moment I was about to fall apart. I need balls. To stand up for myself. I wish I knew other women who were/are in my position. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years. I drove the boys everywhere. I took care of the house. The groceries, the meals.
Was I an angel? NO. My relationship I had outside of our marriage was all "verbal". He made me feel good about myself. Soon after, he was banned from our 'group'. I won't say what group just because. If you know me, message me on fb and I'll tell you.
I can't write anymore. I need to tell my story. But I don't think ...... at the moment....... I can retell what I went through when I actually figured out he was "in love with someone else". You know, life really sucks right now. If you're reading this and aren't totally turned off by my ............. by me and my self pity... then ............ please tell me your story. I need help. Obviously.
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." A friend just posted that. I am going to work towards inner peace. I can't have another sleepless night like last night. Inner peace....... Sounds wonderful. Do you have inner peace?
Yesterday, he did a long swim with 'them'. I started to worry about him when he didn't return an hour later than normal. Another hour went by. Then, another. I'm between the emotions of worry and being pissed off. He arrives 3 hours later than normal. Finally asked him tonight......... "what did you do" he went to a bamboo forest. Not one word from him....... when he went. Not a text saying...... "hey we are going to such and such place." Never crossed his mind. He got mad when I said how inconsiderate that was not to call. He's checked out.
I wonder If he can see me...... He doesn't talk to me in any sense of the word He saves his thoughts and happenings for others to hear. I remember feeling like this before and it just about killed me. I need to figure out if I'm going to go along with playing this stupid game of his....... Or make myself seen.
I feel like I am just wandering through life right now. Not sure which direction to go. Which way to turn. I need a map. I need guidance. To my new life. Life without kids.
As I look at my posts..........I am seeing myself as this pathetic person. I AM NOT THAT PERSON. Do I feel sorry for myself? At times, yes........... But, I was young. I was young when I met him. I was young when I married him. Thankful I waited 5 years to have a child. But, still ............. I was young. So now, so very many years later........ I need to figure out.......... who am I? Was a child for 20 years............ became a wife at 21 years........ became a mother at 26 years....... became a mother again at 29 years became a mother again at 30 1/2 years became a mother again at 34 years................................. Became the driver to everything............... Carpools R Us Except I was the carpool Everyone hitched a ride YEARS later......... moved to paradise NOW............ I miss everyone. nuff said.
Well, we haven't been alone as husband and wife for very many days. Granted, I've been gone quite a bit this summer, but........I really thought it'd be more than 10 days that we'd blow up at each other. I don't know how to be a wife. I've been a mom for half my life. That's 26 years. I was only a wife for 5. And I started when I was 21. Too young. Tonight he said to me...........at the end of the school year, do what I want. Leave if I want. I wonder what I will do. Scares me that I even just typed that. The two of us are so very different. Yes, we have the same love for the water. The same love for competition. I'm not saying same love for family. Because............. I don't feel he puts his family first. Never has. Our boys were always 2nd. Yesterday, when he finally came home, I had the young one on Skype........ told him he should come in and talk to him. The first thing he said was NOT, "how are you doing, how is school, are you happy......" It was, "Are you still in college?" "Did you flunk out yet?" Young one didn't know how to answer that. He finally just said, "yes." Not much else was said between them. It made me sad. He doesn't hug the boys. He shakes their hand. I hope my boys don't do that with their children. Children need touch. They need love. I wonder what I will do.
Thank goodness for it. It being technology. The young one went to spend the weekend at the 2 older one's apartment. This morning, they called via Skype. We chatted and just left it up for almost 3 hours. I do enjoy Skype so much. I get to see their smile. I miss seeing those smiles. And when their eyes light up when they start to laugh. Technology........it's a wonderful thing.
Being busy really does help. It helps you to not constantly think about who and what you are missing. So, I will just keep myself busy. So I won't think............ of what.........
In the last 2 weeks, I have received messages from the young one that he misses being here. Awwwww, he's homesick. I'm sure it must be somewhat weird for him because for most of his life, he has lived in a house full of people. There has always been one of us he could turn to. Someone always home. Someone always there for him. And now, he's out in the world, by himself. I called the oldest son, who lives just 30 minutes away from youngest, to ask him if he'd call young brother and see if he wanted to hang out at his place over the weekend with two of his older brothers. I'm sure all they'll do is sit and play video games with each other the entire time. But, it will be with his family. With people who have known and taken care of him all his life. The comfort zone. He's homesick for home. I'm homesick for him. I also feel like I'm all alone. Yes, my other half is around, but.........it's not the same. I am so looking forward to the holidays. We will not be in our family home. However, all of us will be together. Home, to me, means where my heart is and that is with all my boys.
It always amazes me how hearing a song brings memories rushing back to me. It seems like there is always some song that I associate with certain times in my life. Like.......... on Saturday night, my girlfriend, Lisa, and I were at an Irish Pub in Charlotte. There were these 2 guys playing music. Lots of great songs. Then, suddenly, I hear a Dave Matthews song. It's Ants Marching. Wham! I suddenly get all teary eyed. I'm thinking of my youngest, Cole. We were living in Florida. DMB is by far my favorite band. I'd have the CD in my car and Cole, all of 3 years old, strapped into his car seat, would say, "Play Ants! Play Ants!" So, I'd skip to Ants Marching. He knew every word to that song. He and I would sing it as loud as we could. I was seeing this 3 year old sitting with me singing. So, I sent him a text. Told him this band was playing the song and it made me think of him. And that I missed him. He sent a text back with this: :D So, here are the words in case you don't know. Oh and a link to the video. http://youtu.be/MNgJBIx-hK8
He wakes up in the morning Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling Never changes a thing The week ends the week begins She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing These crimes between us grow deeper Goes to visit his mommy She feeds him well his concerns He forgets them And remembers being small Playing under the table and dreaming Take these chances Place them in a box until a quieter time Lights down, you up and die Driving in on this highway All these cars and upon the sidewalk People in every direction No words exchanged No time to exchange And all the little ants are marching Red and black antennas waving They all do it the same They all do it the same way Candyman tempting the thoughts of a Sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss Program cutting the corners Loose end, loose end, cut, cut On the fence, could not to offend Cut, cut, cut, cut Take these chances Place them in a box until a quieter time Lights down, you up and die Lights down, you up and die
It's been 26 years since we haven't had a child at home with us. Our youngest left almost 2 weeks ago. Not sure how I feel about that. Strange is all I can come up with. The last 3 years, our youngest was the only child home. He became my go-to guy. My person I could yell for "need tall person!" when I couldn't reach something. The one who understood when the 3rd person in the house was being ..... let's say unreasonable. I have been busy since he's been gone. I was gone 1 1/2 days after he left for 6 days. Then the 3rd person in the house left the next day for a family reunion. He was gone for 5 days. We both are home for 5 days, but I leave tomorrow for 10 days. Being busy helps. My youngest sent me a text last week that made me smile. "I have had salad everyday so far. Proud?" Yes, I am. Not because he's actually eating pretty healthy, but the fact that he sent that to me. Yesterday, while chatting in text via Skype, he said he was a bit homesick. That he missed seeing people. I wondered for a split second if I was one of those people. But, I know. Yes I am.
