Wandering

I feel like I am just wandering through life right now.  Not sure which direction to go.  Which way to turn.

I need a map.  I need guidance.

To my new life.

Life without kids.

Who am I?

As I look at my posts..........I am seeing myself as this pathetic person.

I AM NOT THAT PERSON.

Do I feel sorry for myself?

At times, yes...........

But, I was young.

I was young when I met him.

I was young when I married him.

Thankful I waited 5 years to have a child.

But, still .............

I was young.

So now, so very many years later........

I need to figure out..........

who am I?

Was a child for 20 years............

became a wife at 21 years........

became a mother at 26 years.......

became a mother again at 29 years

became a mother again at 30 1/2 years

became a mother again at 34 years.................................

Became the driver to everything...............

Carpools R Us

Except I was the carpool

Everyone hitched a ride

YEARS later.........

moved to paradise

NOW............

I miss everyone.

nuff said.

figures............

Well, we haven't been alone as husband and wife for very many days.  Granted, I've been gone quite a bit this summer, but........I really thought it'd be more than 10 days that we'd blow up at each other.

I don't know how to be a wife.  I've been a mom for half my life.  That's 26 years.  I was only a wife for 5.  And I started when I was 21.  Too young.

Tonight he said to me...........at the end of the school year, do what I want.  Leave if I want.

I wonder what I will do.

Scares me that I even just typed that.

The two of us are so very different.  Yes, we have the same love for the water.  The same love for competition.  

I'm not saying same love for family.  Because............. I don't feel he puts his family first.  Never has.  Our boys were always 2nd.

Yesterday, when he finally came home, I had the young one on Skype........ told him he should come in and talk to him.  The first thing he said was NOT, "how are you doing, how is school, are you happy......"  

It was, "Are you still in college?"  "Did you flunk out yet?"  Young one didn't know how to answer that.  He finally just said, "yes."

Not much else was said between them.  It made me sad.  He doesn't hug the boys.  He shakes their hand.

I hope my boys don't do that with their children.  Children need touch.  They need love.

I wonder what I will do.

Technology

Thank goodness for it.  It being technology.  The young one went to spend the weekend at the 2 older one's apartment.  This morning, they called via Skype.  We chatted and just left it up for almost 3 hours.  

I do enjoy Skype so much.  I get to see their smile.  I miss seeing those smiles.  And when their eyes light up when they start to laugh.

Technology........it's a wonderful thing.

Just keepin' on......

Being busy really does help.  It helps you to not constantly think about who and what you are missing.

So, I will just keep myself busy.

So I won't think............

of what.........

or who.........

I am missing.

Homesick

In the last 2 weeks, I have received messages from the young one that he misses being here. 

Awwwww, he's homesick.  

I'm sure it must be somewhat weird for him because for most of his life, he has lived in a house full of people.  There has always been one of us he could turn to.  Someone always home.  Someone always there for him.

And now, he's out in the world, by himself.  

I called the oldest son, who lives just 30 minutes away from youngest, to ask him if he'd call young brother and see if he wanted to hang out at his place over the weekend with two of his older brothers.  

I'm sure all they'll do is sit and play video games with each other the entire time.  But, it will be with his family.  With people who have known and taken care of him all his life.  The comfort zone.

He's homesick for home.  I'm homesick for him.  I also feel like I'm all alone.  Yes, my other half is around, but.........it's not the same.  

I am so looking forward to the holidays.  We will not be in our family home.  However, all of us will be together.

Home, to me, means where my heart is and that is with all my boys.

Music

It always amazes me how hearing a song brings memories rushing back to me.  It seems like there is always some song that I associate with certain times in my life.

Like.......... on Saturday night, my girlfriend, Lisa,  and I were at an Irish Pub in Charlotte.  There were these 2 guys playing music.  Lots of great songs.  Then, suddenly, I hear a Dave Matthews song.  It's Ants Marching.

Wham!  I suddenly get all teary eyed.  I'm thinking of my youngest, Cole.  We were living in Florida.  DMB is by far my favorite band.  I'd have the CD in my car and Cole, all of 3 years old, strapped into his car seat, would say, "Play Ants!  Play Ants!"  So, I'd skip to Ants Marching.  He knew every word to that song.  He and I would sing it as loud as we could.

I was seeing this 3 year old sitting with me singing.  So, I sent him a text.  Told him this band was playing the song and it made me think of him.  And that I missed him.  He sent a text back with this:  :D

So, here are the words in case you don't know.  Oh and a link to the video.
http://youtu.be/MNgJBIx-hK8


He wakes up in the morning
Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling
Never changes a thing
The week ends the week begins
She thinks, we look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
These crimes between us grow deeper

Goes to visit his mommy
She feeds him well his concerns
He forgets them
And remembers being small
Playing under the table and dreaming

Take these chances
Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die

Driving in on this highway
All these cars and upon the sidewalk
People in every direction
No words exchanged
No time to exchange

And all the little ants are marching
Red and black antennas waving
They all do it the same
They all do it the same way

Candyman tempting the thoughts of a
Sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss
Program cutting the corners
Loose end, loose end, cut, cut
On the fence, could not to offend
Cut, cut, cut, cut

Take these chances
Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die

Lights down, you up and die

Life Without Kids

It's been 26 years since we haven't had a child at home with us.  Our youngest left almost 2 weeks ago.  Not sure how I feel about that.

Strange is all I can come up with.  The last 3 years, our youngest was the only child home.  He became my go-to guy.  My person I could yell for "need tall person!" when I couldn't reach something.  The one who understood when the 3rd person in the house was being ..... let's say unreasonable.  

I have been busy since he's been gone.  I was gone 1 1/2 days after he left for 6 days.  Then the 3rd person in the house left the next day for a family reunion.  He was gone for 5 days.  We both are home for 5 days, but I leave tomorrow for 10 days.  

Being busy helps.

My youngest sent me a text last week that made me smile.  "I have had salad everyday so far.  Proud?"  Yes, I am.  Not because he's actually eating pretty healthy, but the fact that he sent that to me. 

Yesterday, while chatting in text via Skype, he said he was a bit homesick.  That he missed seeing people.  I wondered for a split second if I was one of those people.  

But, I know.  Yes I am.